What I Mean by “Beautiful Woman”

Sundance Kid: Well, I think I'll get saddled up and go looking for a woman.

Butch Cassidy: Good hunting.

Sundance Kid: Shouldn't take more than a couple of days. I'm not picky. As long as she's smart, pretty, and sweet, and gentle, and tender, and refined, and lovely, and carefree...

After spending a weekend with my sister (and others) trying to decipher what it takes for a woman to grab my attention (or hers – she’s tougher), today I posted this status on Facebook: “Unexpected tight hugs from a beautiful woman = day made before lunch!” The hugs were fantastic, and the woman is certainly beautiful, so the statement was natural and true. But after posting I was confronted with a simple question: what does it mean to say “beautiful woman”?

I think the Sundance Kid’s statement above is a good list for defining what makes a woman beautiful. She should be pretty: physical attraction is a necessity for all of us when looking for a partner. However, I know from personal experience that such attraction will only hold my attention for seven minutes before I’m ready to move on. “Beautiful” does not mean “pretty” – it is much broader an idea. Notice that Sundance places “smart” before “pretty” in his list. Certainly she must be smart, but not simply intelligent. Her intelligence should be defined by wit – witty banter is the most attractive element.

I also agree with “sweet, and gentle, and tender.” These attributes suggest a certain femininity that is often knocked as weakness, but such women are rarely weak. I’m reminded here of the Dalai Lama’s argument that compassion is the highest strength. Such attributes come from a kind of self confidence which allows for vulnerability, and vulnerability is the key to finding any kind of real connection with another person.

As for “refined, and lovely, and carefree...”: again Sundance is challenging common assumptions. “Lovely” is one of the highest compliments I can pay to a person. It involves the way I feel around someone. If you are lovely it is because you add genuine pleasure to my life just by being who you are. Refined and carefree are often presented as opposites. Eleanor Dashwood is refined; Marianne Dashwood is carefree (for most of the novel). However, as Jane Austen shows us, it is when the two attributes (sense and sensibility) are combined in each of these women that they find happiness – and two very lucky men.

Sundance makes a good list. I find that one thing is missing for me, though: I need a woman to be interesting in order to find her beautiful. What I mean by “interesting” is that she needs to “bring something to the table.” She needs to have knowledge, thoughts, and opinions that pique my interest. I don’t have to share the same knowledge or thoughts or opinions. She may be into sports or shoes or 1950s big bands. If she’s excited about these things, she will be interesting. I will be intrigued (which means “hooked”). She will have things to say beyond the wit necessary to catch my attention. And although I always want the wit to be present, without something interesting, her smarts and her physical attractiveness will fail to keep me interested.

Note: I’m not arguing that everyone should expect these things from everyone else. People are attracted to one another for various reasons which don’t make Sundance’s list. And many people find an attribute such as sweetness or physical attractiveness to surpass my expectations for wit and the ability to be interesting in conversation. There is nothing wrong with placing comfort first and stimulation last when it comes to defining what you find beautiful in another person.

As for me, I’ll keep being happy with unexpected tight hugs from witty, refined, smart, physically attractive women who always leave me wanting much more conversation. That’s what makes a lovely day!